Best Barney Stinson Quotes

The show may be about the road to romantic love for main character Ted Mosby, but the most entertaining parts of any episode are the hilarious one-liners and bold proclamations made by Barney. Here’s a selection of the best Barney Stinson quotes from How I Met Your Mother.
“That was the night I was born. I rose like a phoenix from her mentholated bosom and strode into the world, Armani-clad and fully awesome.”

“There are only two reasons to date a girl you've already dated: breast implants.”

“He's the awesomest, most best-lookingest, greatest guy ever!”
Lily: “He's exactly like Barney.”
Barney: “That's what I just said.”

“You know who is confused? Bimbos. They’re easily confused. It’s one of the thousand little things I love about them. I love their vacant, trusting stares; their sluggish, unencumbered minds; their unresolved daddy issues. I love them Lily, and they love me. Bimbos have always been there for me, through thick and thin—mostly thin. B-man don’t do thick crust, what up!”

“Step one, you start running. There is no step two.”

“Think of me like Yoda, but instead of being little and green I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro—I'm Broda!”

“Shotgun for eternity!”
Robin: “You can't call shotgun for eternity.”
Barney: “I call that I can call things.”

“Every Halloween, I bring a spare costume, in case I strike out with the hottest girl at the party. That way, I have a second chance to make a first impression.”

“The only reason to wait a month for sex is if she's 17 years, 11 months old.”

Lily: “I don't think your sword will fit.”
Barney: “I get that a lot.”

“Open your brain tank, bro, ’cause here comes some premium 91-octane knowledge. There’s three rules of cheating: 1. It’s not cheating if you’re not the one who’s married. 2. It’s not cheating if her name has two adjacent vowels. 3. And it's not cheating if she’s from a different area code. You’re fine on all three counts.”

“If there was any shame in a dude getting a pedicure I don’t think there would’ve been a feature about it in Details magazine.”

“Now remember my three beginner’s tips for picking up chicks: Address her by name, isolate her from her friends, subtly put her down.”

“Hello, Ted. If you’re watching this tape—and I knew you’d pick this one—you are now in possession of my porn. This can only mean two things: Either I’m dead, or I’m now in a committed relationship. If I’m dead, I want you to honor my memory by taking my body to the Hamptons and re-creating Weekend at Bernie’s. I wanna dance, I wanna have sex with a girl, and I wanna go fishing. If, on the other hand, I’m in a committed relationship, then as your best friend, I have only one request: Please, for the love of God, GET ME OUT OF THIS!”

“I am not a smoker. I only smoke in certain situations: post-coital, when I'm with Germans (sometimes those two overlap), coital, birthdays, to annoy my mom, pre-coital, on a sailboat, the day the Mets are mathematically eliminated every year, and, of course—wait for it—’cause Lord knows I have—pregnancy scares.”

“Okay, pep talk! You can do this, but to be more accurate, you probably can't. You're way out of practice and she's way too hot for you. So, remember, it's not about scoring. It's about believing you can do it, even though you probably can't. Go get 'em, tiger!”

“Jesus waited three days to come back to life. It was perfect! If he had only waited one day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard he died. They'd be all, "Hey Jesus, what up?" and Jesus would probably be like, "What up? I died yesterday!" and they'd be all, "Uh, you look pretty alive to me, dude..." and then Jesus would have to explain how he was resurrected, and how it was a miracle, and the dude'd be like "Uhh okay, whatever you say, bro..." And he's not gonna come back on a Saturday. Everybody's busy, doing chores, workin' the loom, trimmin' the beard, NO. He waited the perfect number of days, three. Plus it's Sunday, so everyone's in church already, and they're all in there like "Oh no, Jesus is dead", and then BAM! He bursts in the back door, runnin' up the aisle, everyone's totally psyched, and FYI, that's when he invented the high five. That's why we wait three days to call a woman, because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait.... True story.”

“Oh right, because there can be too many of something wonderful. Hey Babe Ruth, easy big fella, let's not hit too many homers. Hey Steve Gutenberg, maybe just make three Police Academy movies. America's laughed enough.”

118 Bro Code rules by Barney Stinson