"A clueless woman is a happy woman."
[Alan is supposed to have a colonoscopy, and is very worried about it] Count your blessings; in the old days, they had to send a sketch-artist up there.
[making a deal with Alan while standing at a urinal] Want to shake on it?
A clueless woman is a happy woman.
Bought some hamburgers, Bought the hats; ate the hamburgers, wearing the hats.
Drugs! Get me drugs!
Fine, mask it! Give it a cape and let it fight crime, I don't give a damn!
He chewed her up and spit her out.
Hey, I get enough of that crap from my mother.
How did you get in my house?
I didn't name her that. I just spread it around. Hey, be sure to keep her off the rug.
I have my moments, but they're getting farther apart.
I just had lunch with my mother and my stalker... We spent the afternoon eating off each other's plates and discussing my fear of intimacy.
I remember your high school friend Jamie Eckleberry. We used to call her Eckleberry Hound.
In people or dog years? Look, I'll be nice. I'll say hello... then scratch behind her ears.
I'll admit you're kookie Judith. But compared to our mother you're like a fart in a hurricane.
People who live in fat asses shouldn't throw waffles.
Secret elixir, huh? Well, I'm usually more of a bourbon guy but when push comes to shove I don't know what the hell's in that either.
The kid plays, and I have a date. Everybody wins.
Well it doesn't matter if you win or lose; it's whether or not you beat the spread.
Why don't you make like a hockey player, and get the puck out of here.
Yeah, but who you are, couldn't get laid under water, with a tank full of oxygen.
You know, it wouldn't kill you to talk to Mom once in a while.
slowly making his way down the steps] Never again! Never, ever, ever again!
You're not a gangsta, either. You're a dorky white kid with a Cub Scout bandana on his head. [takes it off]
No, no, no, you just got here! I'll leave! It'll make more room for you and Sir Crapsalot!
That doesn't sound like a cold. It sounds like quitting time in Bedrock.
She's got one of those wooden toilet seats. It would have been like sitting on Pinocchio's mouth.
Left ear says "I'm a hipster from the disco era." Right ear says "Let's disco!!"
Keep it up, and she's gonna find you bloody and homeless.
Oh, yeah, Grl Zrbnck. That guy could sure split the uprights... in a football manner of speaking.
You know, for the record, a lovely dinner doesn't necessarily preclude carpet burns and a bite mark on your ass.
And keep in mind, this is a woman who worked the phrase "mousy bitch" into her wedding toast.
I've got one. [grabs a bottle of liquor] It's called "Drink Until This Night Makes Some Sort of Sense".
What I need to do is find my passport and head for the border. What you have to do is tell Rose that I was drunk and I'm sorry and there's no need to hunt me down and glue my testicles to my thigh...again!
Of course she's charming. They're all charming. That's how they lure you into their houses made out of candy and gingerbread.
Well I want it on the record, if the kid was running a blackjack game under the bleechers, he didn't necessarily get the idea from me.
[Trying to seduce Alan like he would a lady, so Alan would agree to have dinner] So where do you wanna go, baby?
How do you keep getting in? I've changed the locks three times!
Because your'e running away. "Away", according to the dictionary, means "not here". It's usually preceded by the words "Far far", or in your case "Go".
Oh, Jake. Do you have any idea how much I have to clean up my act when you're here on weekends?
about Jake] He's not too bright, so you can lie to him all you want.
Yeah, some of the hotels have those big mirrored walls. It's like watching your ass bob up and down in IMAX.